Do as I say, not as I do
Have you ever asked your child to do something and they have ignored you, or worse, they’ve been back-chatty and argumentative? Chances are, if you’ve been a parent for more than a year or two, the answer is yes.
This morning my eight year-old, Ella, gave us some of that. She wouldn’t take her school bag to school. She wanted to unload another backpack and take that instead. The requests were repeated. The refusals became more adamant. The morning routine was disrupted. It became this morning’s parenting test for Kylie and I.
Consequences and discovering your own parenting style
The way we respond to this situation says a lot about our parenting style. Do we suggest that ‘there will be consequences if you don’t do what I have asked!’
(We probably haven’t asked so much as we’ve told, but that’s another topic for another day.) Do we promise goodies for compliance? Do we push, pull, coerce, threaten, manipulate, or bribe – even in subtle ways?
These are the standard principles of parenting in thousands of parenting books and programs around the world. Of course, the books don’t tell us to threaten and bribe. Those words are too loaded. What they suggest instead is that we should use rewards for good behaviour and ‘consequences‘ for bad behaviour, as though rewards and ‘consequences’ are completely different sides of a coin.
We’re reminded in these books that when our children do as we ask we can give them stars and when they have enough stars they get some goody they’ve identified as worth working towards. When they don’t do as we ask we can use time out or the withdrawal of privileges (usually technology) to punish them and teach them that their unwillingness to comply has ‘consequences’.
Authoritarian parenting styles
This style of parenting is called ‘authoritarian’ parenting. It is best exemplified through the term ’power’. Parents who use an authoritarian parenting style rely on their power to manipulate their kids through threats and punishments, or through bribes and rewards. All consequences for behaviour – good or bad – are distributed through the unilateral arbiter of what is right and wrong in the house (the mum or dad).
If I were to be authoritarian with Ella, I would offer her a goody for using her school bag rather than the back pack. If the goody were not enticing enough, I would make it bigger (using my power to do so), or I would suggest ‘consequences’ (read: punishments) if she chose not to comply (again using my power).
Research shows that when parenting becomes about power, there is a clear array of outcomes in children’s lives:
First, relationships suffer.
Second, kids become sneaky. They make sure they don’t get caught doing the wrong things and they manipulate situations so they do get caught doing the right things.
Third, kids learn to behave because of external factors rather than internal, autonomous factors.
Fourth, because morality is externally imposed, kids take longer to develop an internal sense of what is right and wrong and WHY.
Fifth, kids whose parents use power to get things done have a model of ‘power’ in relationships. These kids are more likely to use power, threats, and bribes in their own relationships with friends, peers, and others in the playground. As you can imagine, such interactions are not positive in the long term.
But surely there should be consequences, I hear you say. Kids can’t just do as they please.
Research clearly shows that our children need limits to grow up healthy and balanced. But the way those limits and their attendant consequences are experienced by children is key in determining how their sense of morality is developed.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parents do things a little differently.
Authoritative parents are less interested in their children’s compliance and more interested in the development of their child’s character. As a result, authoritative parents set limits by working with their children rather than doing things to their children.
They talk with them, understand them, listen to them. They are warm. And they believe that children have answers inside themselves.
The research evidence is clear here too. Children who are raised with authoritative parents who set limits democratically and respond to them with warmth do better academically and socially. They feel more worthy, and confident. They may be more mature and have higher emotional intelligence. Their sense of morality and moral development is accelerated. They are empathic and compassionate.
Back to Ella
Because of my commitments during the morning, I asked Kylie to go and work with Ella. School had already started but the bag issue meant Ella was late. Kylie was a little flustered but agreed to sit with Ella. They talked. Kylie asked some questions. Then she waited. Patiently.
Ella opened her school bag. It smelled bad. She was embarrassed by the smell but couldn’t find the problem. Together they searched for – and ultimately found – the smelliest leftover food Kylie had ever seen. It was unidentifiable.
Problem solved? Kylie thought so, but patiently asked Ella if she felt like she could take her bag to school now.
Over the next ten minutes Kylie discovered the food had nothing to do with Ella’s desire to take a different bag. Instead it came down to this:
Ella told Kylie she feels unliked, unwanted, and unpopular at school. She felt as though having a new bag might increase the other students’ interest in her. She might be a bit more popular today. Ella is not being bullied. She’s just feeling like she has no friends. Our little angel needs love, friendship, and compassion.
Contrasting the two views
If we believe that kids are supposed to comply, that it’s our job to make them obedient, then we’ll use punishments and rewards (read: consequences) to make them do our bidding. And in so doing we’ll miss the opportunities that exist for us to become involved (positively) in the important details of our children’s lives.
An emphasis on compliance and consequences – which is what authoritarian parenting is all about – means we essentially ignore the reasons for our children’s behaviours. Often those reasons are deep, painful, and important. Instead, we threaten and bribe, oblivious to our children’s internal challenges.
An emphasis on developing character in our children leads to an authoritative approach. If we believe that our children’s sometimes less-than-civil behaviour, backchatting, attitude, and temper is something for us to work with and understand, our approach will allow us to work together to find solutions to problem behaviours that may not even require consequences once we understand why they are happening.
Courtesy: http://parenting.kidspot.com.au/parenting-power-are-you-guilty-of-abusing-it/#.UtvOSLS6a1t
