Why Yelling Doesn't Work

When I read posts on the site, I notice a common thread running through the questions moms post about setting limits with their children. Over and over again, moms want to know why what they're doing isn't working.

The "danger zone" just might be the answer.

A battle of wills, normal as it is, is one of the hardest things a parent and child deal with. Most parents believe that the battle is the child's fault. But when I look at a battle of wills, I see two sides, each one valid yet destined to collide with the other. Let me explain.
What Is the Danger Zone?

Suppose you read about a parenting tip you want to try. It resonates with you because it's gentle and firm at the same time. Halfway through using the new technique, your child's behavior seems to be getting worse. You wonder what could be making her react, especially since the method is calmer and more peaceful than the yelling she's used to. You begin to wonder if the method is failing and think about giving up.

The reason your child is reacting is because she wants the "old normal" to prevail. You know, the way it was yesterday and the day before, even though the old way involved yelling and punishing. To her, the old normal was familiar. You, on the other hand, are reaching for the "new normal," the way you want things to be from now on. Those two opposing points of view collide, creating the battle of wills.

The reason your child feels so uncomfortable is because you're so calm. When parents yell, children tend to retreat emotionally in order to withstand the yelling. The yelling prevents your child from feeling how firm you really are because she's busy protecting herself from the intensity of it. When you remove the yelling, your firmness takes center stage, and that's powerful. Feeling your authority and the unmovable boundary causes her to feel unsettled and throw everything she has into a battle of wills, hoping to make things return to what she perceives as normal.

After all of that, who wouldn't wonder if the method is failing? The truth is the method is not failing: parent and child are in the middle of the process. I call the middle of the process the danger zone. It's the place just before change occurs, the place when a parent wants to give up.


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